Life in Hollywood, below-the-line

Life in Hollywood, below-the-line
Work gloves at the end of the 2006/2007 television season (photo by Richard Blair)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas

Have I got a deal for you...

The pilot is finally over (more about that later...), and I've once again crawled back through the wormhole to my home planet for the holidaze. And on that note, here's a little Christmas present for any would-be movie producers out there -- an offer to invest in and be a co-producer on a film called "Rankle Jones The Golfer."

I figure the deal must be legit since it appeared in my G-mail box along with dozens of offers for, uh, "male enhancement," along with lots of fine bargain-priced wrist watches guaranteed to humble men and dazzle pretty women wherever I go. Is this my lucky day or what? Not only can I have a woody like a Louisville Slugger, but a knock-off Rolex and a co-production deal on a movie too!

The internet -- you've gotta love it...

The thing is, I'm not really interested in producing, co-producing, or investing in feature films, and just might be the only person in Hollywood not writing screenplays. So in the spirit of Christmas, I'm happy to pass this golden opportunity on to anyone out there with the moxie to carpe the diem and run this one in for a game-winning, career-making touchdown.

Here it is, a short but vividly incoherent treatment for the screenplay of "Rankle Jones the Golfer." After a close reading (guaranteed to provide high entertainment value), you can decide if this is the project is for you.

Dear Sir,

I have a feature movie script title: RANKLE JONES THE GOLFER. I need Co-producer and financial investment into this movie production.

Jones enjoys golf playing, hoping to be a professional golfer like Tiger Woods. Kenny dreamt of Jones winning the world biggest golf tournament and this made him over look Jones ill behaviors which Ray the eldest son frown at. Rudolfs drug life flashes of wealth caught Jones napping as he took part in a bloody drug cartel deal. Gangsters and Police combat force in severe gun battle. It is traumatic to live with nutty breed of human, all in the name of family-hood. Erratic Jones gave Ray a blood bath and he was in oblivious state in the hospital. Ray is cast away and also an object of mimic. Hilda gave Ray a true taste of love. Jones finally golfed out Kenny's breath, as he slumped. Jones life turns sour of no savvy as he committed suicide.

Thank you for finding time to read through.

Onyema Emmanuel

There you have it: a blockbuster in the making, a film that just might be even more uplifting and full of the Christmas spirit than "The Road" -- and friends, it's yours for the taking.

Oh, and if you do call up Mr. Onyema Emmanuel, don't tell him I sent you.

And to all a good night...

Merry Christmas!


Ed "sloweddi" Beecher said...

Oh my... where to start. First, as we sure this is not really Guy Richy, and this is actually the final script?

Did this person use the same word processing program as the Finance Minister of Nigeria doing business in Hong Kong with ties to the Lotto?

But more impotant... are they hiring?

HA Made my day :)

A.J. said...

I smell an Oscar.

Merry Christmas to you too!

nahiyan said...

The internet is indeed a wonderfully lopsided thing. I feel like this is the Nigerian film industry reaching out to you, you really shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, seriously invest your life savings in this puppy.

Have a great New Year, hopefully your Christmas day was filled with good cheer.

Nathan said...

Well Jeez Michael, Thanks for nothin'.

If it was me who received this missive and passed it on, I'd certainly let you use my name when you looked into this awesome opportunity. If I can't use your name, how is the guy gonna know I'm legit and not just some wannabe?


hazel motes said...

holy crap! that is friggin brilliant. what type of english is this person writing? he does an excellent job of integrating the golf story with the drug cartel angle. applause all around. how did this come your way? ramdom spaM? bizarre. in the best possible way, of course.

Michael Taylor said...

I've no clue how the Internet really works, much less how this strange e-mail found its way to me.

Maybe I'm just blessed...

That would-be movie producer got at least one thing right, though -- it is indeed traumatic to live with nutty breed of human. No argument there.

Happy New Year, everybody.

Peggy Archer said...

If there's three sassy CGI chipmunks involved, count me in!